Working With The Gold-Thoughts on Spiritual Freedom. Part 2 of 3: Making Mistakes. Devotional Behaviour.

5 minutes reading time

Making Mistakes

Whether we are on a ‘spiritual path’ or not, we all make mistakes.

It is important that we can look honestly at these areas which need our attention. This honest examination however does not need thoughts like ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘It is all my fault’, which will instantly lead to a contraction of body, heart and mind.

If the feeling of guilt or low self esteem is an area of vulnerability for us when looking at our ‘mistakes’, we can slowly develop the capacity to apologise sincerely without these unhelpful states of mind taking a hold on us.

In my view, guilt is never helpful and is to be clearly distinguished from regret.

It is important that we are able to regret. That we are able to look at our mistakes, to apologise to those who might have been hurt by our words or actions and set an intention to do things differently next time. But what we don’t need for positive change to happen is the feeling of guilt or shame. These feelings paralyse us, and feeling paralysed is never a useful condition for change.

Regret can come about when we examine a situation with calm and clarity. When we feel guilty or ashamed, the underlying sense is in my experience not calm and clear. In guilt, there is a tendency to generalise and exaggerate, which leads to a feeling of confusion and often overwhelm.

Regret can say without the unnecessary emotional heavy burden: ‘Yes, I made a mistake in this situation. Human beings make mistakes. I see what has led to this. This is what I would like to do differently next time.’

Guilt is unprecise and loves to start sentences with ‘I am’. Two other magic words for the ‘perfect guild’ mixture are ‘always’ and ‘never’.

‘I am a bad person. I am clumsy. I never get this right. I always do this’ etc

Whenever these words arise in our mind, we might want to ask: ‘Is this a precise description? Is this really true? What would be a way of describing the situation which is more precise? e.g. ‘This particular behaviour in this particular situation was not very skilful. This is what I would like to try instead next time.’

So seeing my part in a situation, seeing what I want to change whilst also seeing the many other factors which contributed to the situation.

In breaking free from guilt, whilst honestly acknowledging areas in which we need to develop, this is crucial: to see clearly what I contributed to a situation AND to see all the other factors leading up to it. Both are equally important.

When working with unhelpful emotions in regard to mistakes, it is always worth checking:

Is this a precise, accurate description (e.g. this specific behaviour in this specific situation) or are there generalisations (always, never, ‘I am…’) involved…? This applies to working with our own internal ‘voice of shame’ as well as when we find ourselves blaming someone, or being blamed ourselves by somebody else.

Keeping the ‘internal commentary’ as precise as possible rather than generalising is crucial when it comes to working with a mind which is vulnerable in the areas of guilt, shame and blame.

Devotional Behaviour

As spiritual seekers, we have the freedom to express devotion or to not express devotion. If we choose to express devotion outwardly, it is worthwhile reflecting regularly on why we are doing it.

There is an important difference between bowing in front of a statue because ‘everyone is doing it’ or ‘a figure of authority has told me to do it’ and doing it because the heart feels moved to do so due to joyful, liberating experiences and the natural arising of gratitude.

The bowing, placing the hands together in prayer etc. come from a place of honouring teachings which liberate rather than from a place of blind obedience.

A person can have a deep love and appreciation for spiritual teachings without ever displaying any visible signs of devotion.

Expressions of devotion are beautiful when they are heartfelt – they are however, no measure of the depth of a person’s dedication and, in my view, always secondary to understanding.

A short anecdote to illustrate the point I am trying to make:

I was recently staying in a Theravada monastery for some weeks. One of the monks gave an evening talk. A visitor to the monastery was sitting in front of me and had been holding her head in a very awkward position for quite a while. I felt an urge to tap her on the shoulder and ask if she was ok. As I was moving my head slightly towards her, I realised the cause for what I had started to assume was some kind of neurological emergency: she was holding her phone underneath her cardigan, fiercely scrolling and texting. As the monk finished the talk, she bowed deeply three times.

The situation was insightful for me in two ways.

It illustrated very clearly to me that outer expressions of devotion are in itself no indication whatsoever of what is going on in the inner life. Of course, outer expressions of adoration and sincere dedication can be beautifully aligned.

The other interesting aspect of the situation was noticing my own inner judgement about the behaviour of the woman. Whilst I had the strong impression that her behaviour was merely a distraction from what she perceived as a boring talk (ironically it was on the theme of the influence of digital devices on our ability to be present) – at the end of the day, I have no idea what motivated her behaviour. She could have been checking up on her ill husband in hospital but was so devoted to the teachings that she still wanted to show up on a Sunday evening. And even if she was distracting herself – why did her behaviour cause me to be annoyed…? After all, she did not prevent me from listening to the talk in any way.

My inner reaction to the woman’s behaviour was as ‘immature’ as scrolling through a smartphone during a dharma talk.