Yes eh No, eh Maybe…Or Does It Even Matter? Thoughts About Decision Making

‘Decisions’ must be one of the most discussed themes amongst friends. I find that ‘big decisions’ (or at least that’s what they often feel like in the moment) are often connected with worries, sleepless nights and ruminating thoughts. I believe that there are certain beliefs connected with decision making that we need to treat with care.

This is a selection of views which might make decision making more difficult.

1) My decision alone determines the outcome of a situation

If we believe that our decision alone determines how a situation turns out, we don’t take into account our dependency on others and on outer circumstances. We can only ever decide to do something which makes it more likely that the outcome is what I desire it to be. We never have full control over the outcome. If we believe we do, there’s a high chance we will end up angry, sad or frustrated, because we didn’t get what we expected. This does not mean our decisions don’t matter. However, it is important to remember that they are only one factor. We can’t influence other peoples’ actions, and we can’t ever fully control outer circumstances.

An example to illustrate this: I recently went to see a doctor. He inquired about my life in a foreign country, and then told me that he once had been in a situation where he had been offered a job abroad by a well respected tutor of his. He kept mulling over whether to go or not for a long time, until he finally decided to take the offer. He got in touch with his tutor to inform him about his decision. Some weeks later, he still hadn’t heard anything back, so he phoned the hospital his tutor had been working for. They informed him that he had died some weeks ago from a sudden severe illness. Following these shocking news, he did not take the job, since the prospect of working together with his well respected tutor had been one of the main factors in his decision to go.

Of course this is a rather extreme example of a change in circumstances, but it can serve as a reminder that we just don’t know what’s around the corner. Remembering this fact can help us to be prepared when things don’t work out as expected.

We can start practicing this in small ways, e.g. watching our reactivity when we had planned to hang the washing out and it starts to rain (my chosen home country, Scotland, provides me with plenty opportunity for this practice). Even this small frustration is an example of assuming that my decision to wash and dry the laundry outside today will ensure the fact that this will happen. My decision to put the washing in the machine and then on the line outside makes it more likely I will have freshly washed AND dried laundry by the evening – it doesn’t ensure it. Several factors have to come together for this to happen.

2) There is only one ‘right’ decision, so my decision is really important

We often exaggerate the importance of a decision. We become lost in the thought ‘I have to make a decision about this, and there is only one decision that is right.’ This thought is driven by fear, that the ‘wrong’ decision will have bad consequences for us. But, firstly, how can we assume that we know what the consequences will be anyway, since there are always many factors at play, as mentioned above? And, secondly, why do we assume that one decision is better than another? How will we ever know if that’s the case?

Of course there is one important limit to this, which is the premise that both offered possibilities are ethical. If there is a choice between beating somebody or not, then obviously there IS a right choice, which is to not do that. But if both possibilities are ethical (e.g. the choice between staying in a country or moving to another one) and you have good intentions, then how ‘bad’ can a decision really be…? Whichever decisions we take in life, there will always be challenges and pain, and there will always be light and joy and learning. The realisation that there just ever isn’t a ‘happily ever after’ scenario in life (anybody’s life!) might at first be hard to digest, but it can also be a big relief. The relief lies in seeing that the fact that there are things that aren’t ‘going to plan’ is never entirely only down to the decisions we take. What we can do is try our best and act to the best of our abilities, with good intentions. But there is always going to be struggle and there is always going to be joy or at least a silver lining, or a lesson learnt, no matter which decision we take.

3) I have to work it all out with my mind

In the society we live in the ‘gut feeling’ is not getting much credit. We as humans have accumulated so much knowledge,but we have weakend our ability to ‘just know’. We have become so used to working everything out with our mind that we almost forget that we have other ressources. WE ARE MORE THAN JUST OUR MINDS.

I believe it would do us good to develop a lot more trust in our ‘gut feeling’ and to create good conditions for this feeling inside us to guide us. To stop and pause ever so often and invite our bodies and minds to rest, and so gaining more calm and clarity.

Calm and clarity are factors which are so important when it comes to decision making, but they are often neglected. We have the tendency to first make a decision, and then only allow ourselves to relax afterwards, if at all. I believe there is a lot to be said for doing it the other way round: prioritising calm and clarity and then making decisions which are informed by these qualities. In fact, I believe that the more important the decision seems to be,and the more our mind is pushing us: ‘You need to make this decision, NOW!’, the more important it is to stop and pause before we do anything. A ‘pushy mind’ is not giving us good advice when it comes to decision making.

4) My decision doesn’t matter, because I have no influence over the outcome anyway

With all the above said, we might come to the conclusion that our decisions don’t matter. This can lead to a feeling of fatalism and passivity.

However, this approach does not take the decision away, it only takes our input away. For example, if I am not making a decision about taking a job that’s been offered to me, the job offer will sooner or later not be available anymore. So to not make a decision is also an act which has consequences. Of course our decisions DO matter, even though they are only one piece in the jigsaw. It is always worth to try to influence a situation in a way which makes a beneficial outcome more likely, as long as we don’t forget that our decsion is only ONE of several factors.

In my opinion, wise decision making requires finding the balance between not overexaggerating the importance of the decision and at the same time doing our best to achieve a beneficial result.

This might be a good idea for anything really in life: Remembering how small we ultimately are, in this big wide world, and still trying our best, again and again. And not forgetting to add a good portion of compassion for ourselves and others, when we regret a decision (our own or somebody elses). Sometimes a ‘silly’ decision IS the best we could come up with, at that time.

Tomorrow is a new day, with plenty of opportunities to make fresh decisions.

And just in case this is doesn’t offer consolation, I would like to close with one of my favourite quotes of all times, by Rainer Maria Rilke:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”