Escaping the Prison of Comparison

In this post, I would like to offer my view on why the act of comparing ourself with others makes us suffer, to a larger or smaller extent.

There are two types of harmful comparison in my experience:

a) Seeing oneself as superior to another
b) Seeing oneself as inferior to another

Why do both of these not contribute to more happiness?

a) A feeling of superiority might make me ‘feel good’ for a short period of time. For example, I feel more intelligent than somebody else since I knew the answer to a question the other didn’t know. This gives my ego a boost. However, if my happiness is reliant on a sense of superiority, then how long is this happiness going to last? To start with, it is impossible to be superior in all aspects of life. Furthermore, even if there is an area I am ‘good at’ , there is always going to be somebody else who’s ‘better’ at it.

Most importantly, I believe that a ‘weak spot’ of somebody else can in no circumstance be the source of true happiness for oneself.

In fact, I am convinced that it is exactly this mindset of competition (which is quite deeply engrained in our society) which is the root of a lot of suffering on a personal and universal level.
It is also what keeps our current, earth destroying form of capitalism alive. If I wouldn’t unconsciously believe that the newest jeans/car/designer bag would make me happier,by making me in some way appear ‘superior’ then what’s the point of buying it,if I’ve already got one…?

b) A feeling of inferiority doesn’t even make me ‘feel good’ in the short term. It is often connected to experiences from the past, hence a pattern of thinking along the lines of ‘I NEVER get this right’, ‘I am ALWAYS so clumsy’ etc is common. In this way, it might be a path which might not make me feel good even in the short term, but which at least I know how to navigate, because I’ve done it so many times. It’s an easy explanation the mind offers to the question ‘Why is this happening…?’
‘Well, obviously, because you’re not good enough/as good as X’.

I am yet to meet a person, who, in speaking honestly to me, would deny having/having had such thoughts. We think that ‘this person’ we compare ourself to NEVER experiences feelings of inferiority, whilst ‘this person’ is busy doing the same comparing herself with ‘that person’ who always seems ‘so self confident’.

The most helpful remedy I have discovered against thoughts of inferiority is asking the mind ‘Really,is that who I AM? Or did I maybe just not behave perfectly in this situation/ is my life not perfect in this area? And why is that a problem?’

For both, feelings of superiority as well as inferiority, I find the following questions useful:

– Is that really so?
– Do I THINK I KNOW who another person is and if yes, how can that be true?
– Am I using a generalisation here? How can I phrase this more accurately? (E.g. ‘I have not passed this exam because I did not have the required energy to study for it.’ Rather than ‘I am a failure’.)
– Does this thought contribute to more ease and a feeling of freedom or to more contraction?

And, of course, remembering that this is a thought, which like all thoughts, will pass. It is not who I am.

It is important, maybe now more than ever, to remember the commonalities of our shared humanness. We all share the wish to be loved and accepted, which is often what leads us to compare ourselves with others. Feelings and expressions of superiority and inferiority are born out of fear of not being loved and accepted – however, they are not the solution. Let us remember that this is not the experience of an individual, but of all humans.

This is not a plea to ignore other people’s achievements or to downplay our own. Other people’s words and actions can act as a great inspiration for us. Equally, we can and should of course acknowledge our own acts of goodwill.

By the same token,it is possible and sometimes important to point out somebody else’s wrongdoing, as well as looking at our own mistakes and trying to do better next time. However, no feeling of superiority or inferiority is necessary or helpful for doing so. If we keep our shared humanity in mind, then we are able to approach our own and others’ deeds with a lot more lightness.